Let’s face it, most little girls have dreams of fairytales that don’t include messy divorces mountains of debt, and life as a single mother BUT here I am, and I’m killing it.
Real life doesn’t always turn out like our childhood dreams, but that doesn’t have to mean it won’t still be great. Think back to your earliest memory of a single mom, it could be someone you know in real life, or someone from television; what were they like? I think about Lorelai Gilmore from the television show The Gilmore Girls, that woman had her shit together (most of the time). She was empowered, she owned her sexuality, never NEEDED a man, was a good mom, and a successful business owner. Efffff being June Cleaver, I wanted to be Lorelai Gilmore growing up! While everyone’s experience is different, I am gonna share with you some truths about being a single mama that I’ve picked up along the way.
1. Ditch Perfect. Being a single mama is hard enough when you are trying to maintain day to day life but it doesn’t have to be a complete nightmare. Unbrushed hair and mismatched socks will build character and nobody is going to judge you for your kids desire to bestow their own sense of style on to the world. Let it go.
2. You can be fun too. It is so easy to get caught up in the tornado I like to call perfect parenting but news flash, kids don’t need perfection to grow up and be kick ass adults and we sure as hell don’t need the added pressure. What they need is a parent that is present and connected to them. Have the impromptu dance party, eat ice cream for dinner, make a blanket fort and camp out in the living room…always make room for fun and cuddles.
3. Kids Have Roles Too. When you are a single parent the chores are doubled and the workload can seem overwhelming at times; but it doesn’t have to be. Now I’m not telling you to buy into child labor but I am telling you that you need to include your kids in the day to day chores and the upkeep of the house. It will help them to feel like they are playing a part, feel valued and teach them responsibility.
4. 24 Hours will never be enough. Listen girlfriend, I don’t care what superpower you think you have, there will never be enough time in the day for you, for your kids, for anyone. So refer back to #1 and Ditch Perfection. Stop being so hard on yourself, you wouldn’t expect such unrealistic expectations from your children, stop putting that pressure on yourself. Let yourself breath!
5. Coparenting is a breeze, said no divorced parent EVER. This one is rather simple and super complicated all at once. Some days you will nail this one out of the park and other days you are going to have to remind yourself that your kids depend on you for their very existence and “orange just isn’t your color.” Just remember that you catch more flies with honey than you do vinegar. (We all know, flies are pesky)
6. We can do anything. As a single mama, I have been a doctor, a lawyer (“where were you the night that said toy was taken from said bedroom and not put back?! Hmmmm?!), a plumber, an electrician (however that one might have gone better if I had hired someone..ha), and all while balancing a screaming kid and cooking dinner. Ok well maybe not all at once, but you get the idea. Remember; It’s ok to say no sometimes or ask for assistance in the name of sanity.
7. Kids are expensive. It doesn’t matter how much money you make, it will probably seem like it’s never enough. Between paying for the essentials like food, clothing, doctors appointments and (slime supplies?!) there is very little left for anything else. Budgeting is your best friend. Learn how to do it and do it well because it will save you some much needed time and angsts.
8. It takes a village. Being a single mama I have learned the value of my friends, family and community. I figured out real quick how to build a village for myself and I don’t try to do it all on my own. Occasionally I just need a date with a girlfriend for a coffee or ummm a glass of wine or three…and other times I need to rely on my support to hang with my kiddo while I work late. Find your village, and build your community ladies.
So, maybe my fairytale had a different ending than others, but I will tell you this; I wouldn’t change it for anything in the world. Being a single mom has made me who I am today and I love that person. All the hard work pays off at the end of the day when I get that really long hug and the extra “I love you mom” as I turn off the light before bed...and how lucky am I that I get to do it all over again tomorrow.
Cheers!
